I always walk into a new relationship with the mentality that it is my last. I arrive and immediately unpack the baggage of past relationships, past hurts, and pains. I land with a bang, and within no time, I have all my struggles and insecurities hanging on the wardrobe. I come ready to stay I take a 70-year lease. The problem is, I never stay long. Every time I have walked into a relationship ready to set sail, I hardly ever leave the shore. So I sat down and analyzed what I do, and why I always end up out of the relationship before it begins.
It turns out I had expectations that were so high, that my partners would rather be single than try to meet them. I had no idea I had set the bar to be unrealistic. To solve this problem, I sat down to take a good look at what my overly high expectations were. Here is what I found:
Relationships take time and nourishment, especially so if they are new. The initial stages of a relationship are the evaluations stage. “Is this the partner I want? Can I picture a long-term relationship with them?” etc. The challenge, however, is that people take different timelines to make decisions. Some people are sure from the first hug that they are home, while others take time. It turns out, there is no fixed range of time to commit, and expecting it too early is setting yourself for failure.
Within a month, you expect them to make you their priority. In the initial stages of a relationship, your partner still has their career, family goals and development goals as their priority. Which is perfectly fine. Time allows them to factor you in when they make decisions, and this could take time. Expecting to be number one on the list too fast can make your love interest run in the other direction.
When they say love is blind they probably forgot to add that, young love is what is blind. The first time you are infatuated with someone, they cannot do any wrong in your eyes. When we grow, life teaches us to keep from expecting perfection from our partners. The best attitude of approach would be, I love/like you, but I want to learn more about you. That allows you to like what you learn or not. However, they get to feel like they can be themselves around you without feeling like they have to live up to your expectations of them.
Expecting the relationship to solve all my issues is what hurts the most. It can take a long time to realize that your insecurities, your self-esteem issues are yours to handle. While your lover can make you feel good every so often, no relationship can solve all your problems in their entirety. Good relationships challenge us to be better; the hard work remains ours. Expecting a relationship to solve your problems is probably the highest expectation ever.
I recently read a blog post called “How to Maintain Your Independence In a Relationship.” The main premise of the post was that a relationship thrives the most when the individuals retain who they are in the relationship. If your partner loves a particular activity and you don’t, they have every right to keep at it. ,
Couples draw closer together when they divide their free time between actualizing themselves and bonding with their partners. Guess what? No, your partner doesn’t have to come to spin class with you. Let them nap. They probably will be in a better mood doing the latter rather than the former.
All of us have expected this of our partners at one point or the other. Within the minute it took them to reply, we conjured up images of them with someone else or them being in trouble. It has taken me a long time to realize that not everyone is as hooked to their phone as I am. Expecting to get an instant reply every time I send a message is being dramatic.
In conclusion, it is perfectly okay to have certain things you will not compromise on from the beginning of the relationship. The examples above are things that are not war-triggering. Walk into a new relationship with a spirit of adventure. Remember some adventures are not for everyone, but sometimes we get once in a lifetime experiences. Learn, listen, and grow.